My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
