i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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