And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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