If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Randomize
