why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
