You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
