is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I hate all girls vehemently.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
