My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Everything about him screamed your future.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
