Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
