I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
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