Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
