we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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