you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
