Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
