Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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