Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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