thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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