you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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