I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
