I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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