I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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