If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
