After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
only if we run a train.
done.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
