You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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