May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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