apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
