trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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