how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
