1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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