Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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