Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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