you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
