I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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