woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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