...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
