Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
