great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I sprained my soul last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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