i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
