I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
