I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
