I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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