Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
