you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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