Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
