i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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