Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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