I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
