The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
