I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
