Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I stole a fireplace last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't deserve a penis
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
