whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Where is the hickey?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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