god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
