i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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